Returning to Normalcy?
My right index finger is twitching on the keyboard.
I’m anxious.
Not for reasons before this quarantine began; when I feared the oncoming wave of long-term introverted living and financial instability, or worried about the health of my loved ones...
I’m anxious about returning to life as it was. Ironically, the concept of “pausing” initially wrecked me in quarantine. I’m the type of person who is consistently one step mentally ahead of my physical being. I’ve always had an entrepreneurial spirit...heck, I self-produced a “recess-time talent show” in second grade. I’m still figuring out how to not let my entrepreneurial spirit take hold of my emotional health. Unannounced rest is one of the hardest things for me to cope with, because I am forced to pause and re-evaluate against my will. If I am making moves and doing things and seeing people, I can mimic actual progress: this fills the void inside me that begs for tangible success. Anytime I’ve been forced to pause, negative inner dialogue takes hold, and I break down…
A common thought during one of these “breaking points” is that I’m not where I should, in terms of career trajectory and life goals. I’d think to myself “I need to work harder!” or “If only I had more courage to take risks and really put myself out there!”
Lately though, I’m over it.
I’ve had my cute share of emotional moments, and frankly I feel done with them. This pause has been unlike any other period of transition or rest in my life. I cried a whole bunch about things I’ve been putting off and afraid to face. Confrontation is so easily evaded when there’s responsibilities to attend to and busy projects to finish.
This process, in its entirety…..has been absolutely beautiful.
This time has given me space to dive into books and concepts and dreams again. I haven’t been choreographing, but I’ve felt inspired to keep learning and discovering; important practices that definitely were not at the forefront of my life prior to quarantine. I’ve re-evaluated what I want my future to look like and truly thought about it.
And the best part?
I don’t wake up and go to work the next day and lose progress. I keep on going. I wake up the next morning after a night of processing new information and I dig deeper.
Now this is all funny, because I dread the return of “back to normal”. I’m anxious about losing everything I’ve found. I’ll have to figure out how to keep being curious, amidst social commitments and working for necessary income. I may even have to permanently eliminate some aspects of my former life; aspects I lost during quarantine that I realized, don’t actually don’t serve me.